Best of Peter Rhodes - March 11

The best of this week's Peter Rhodes column from the Express & Star.

HEALTH officials want cigarettes to be sold with no advertising, in plain wrappers and extremely discreetly. A reader says that's exactly how they are sold at his local car-boot sale.

LET'S have no illusions. If we enforce a no-fly zone in Libya, the process begins by destroying air defences - and that means killing Libyans.

Not in my name, thanks. At least not until we see some sign that the rag-tag jumble of "rebels" are any better than Gaddafi.

MEANWHILE, stinking hypocrisy of the week award goes to the Independent whose front-page headline, "Why won't the world help us?" was an invitation to invade Libya. If that happened, how long before the Indy would be slagging off the West as the murderous aggressors? We've been there before, thanks.

A GOD-botherer tells me to put my faith in Bible prophecies, pointing out that Isaiah predicted the birth of Christ - 700 years later. Now, I may be turned into a burning bush for asking this question but is it possible to make any prediction which will not come true if you give it long enough? How long would Russell Grant last if he took 700 years from prophecy to fulfilment?

I LOVE Loch Lomond. But the loch does not always attract the cream of Scottish society. There is a Rab C Nesbitt underclass taking to the water in anything that floats. This probably accounts for one spot being known to the locals as Giro Bay. Somehow, this name was included on the new Loch Lomond National Park official map. Oops. The park authority has apologised for the "error of judgment" and destroyed all 3,000 copies of the map.

THE long, complex census forms have arrived at Chateau Rhodes. Given the level of apathy, disorganisation and illiteracy in England, I would be astonished if more than 90 per cent are returned. A pal rang triumphantly to say the Census form was dead easy and he had taken less than five minutes to fill it in and post it back. Which would be fine - except that on the front of the form it clearly states it is not to be filled in until March 27.

RESEARCHERS in Paris have discovered that babies can remember music they heard in the womb. No surprises there. Our kicky little lump with hiccups in the womb turned out to be a kicky little baby with hiccups once it was born. The abortion industry likes to draw a line between foetus and baby but it is a bogus distinction. Of course the baby remembers the music. Whether in the womb or out, it is the same little person.

THIS week's revelations of the explicit sex-education pictures and videos used in some primary schools may worry some parents. But are some teachers even more worried about being ordered to show such material to little children?

KATE Middleton lets slip that she is on the wedding diet. This is probably the most successful diet of all time, being driven by the desperate need to fit into a dress that is usually two sizes too small. The wedding diet also comes with the guarantee that once you've got the ring on your finger, you can pack it in. The wedding diet explains why so many brides look pale and wan at the ceremony - and then hit the reception buffet like a hyena in a chicken pen.

CONFUSED? You will be. Something called the British National Formulary says the labelling used for decades on British medicines is too difficult for members of the public to understand. It says the words "avoid alcoholic drink" should be replaced with "do not drink alcohol while taking this medicine."

Hang on. What does "while taking" mean? Does it refer to the entire period you are on the medication, or just the few seconds when you are physically popping the pills?

This is life-and-death stuff. Before changing anything, the new version has to be measurably better than the old. I bet the compensation lawyers are already rubbing their hands with glee.

THE ever-onward march of equality seems to have side-stepped what used to be called Girl Guides. Chief Guide Liz Burnley, the head of Girlguiding UK, says it is important to let girls "be themselves" away from boys. She says her movement "has been empowering millions for 100 years and we will continue to do so as a girls-only organisation throughout our next century."

Such confidence. And yet she might be right . Equality always seems to be about females storming the bastions of male privilege, not the other way around. (I do not wish to become a Girl Guide, but it would be nice to be asked).

THE Financial Services Agency is investigating 20 alleged scams involving the sale of worthless land on the promise of vast profits. One sucker handed over £100,000 for eight tiny plots. He told Radio 4's Money Box programme: "They were so convincing. The broker told me the investment would achieve a profit of 100-130 per cent in a period of 12 to 18 months."

When faced with promises like this, whether for land, shares, timeshare or any other get-rich-quick scheme, ask yourself this key question. If someone owns an asset which is going to double in value in the next 18 months, why on earth would he sell it to you?

A READER offers this sound advice: "Married men should forget their mistakes, because it's pointless two people remembering them."