Jenny Eclair: In the late 70s I was a great dancer . . . now I get a stitch

It's Friday afternoon, what's on your mind?

Supper, I bought some lamb and now I don't want lamb, hmmm dilemma or should I say dilamba (hahahahaha – this is the worst joke I ever invented).

Who normally has the pleasure of your company at the weekend?

The old man, occasionally my pilates teacher, sometimes my girl, various art galleries, market stalls, chums (if they're v lucky) but often I'm gigging in which case it's my trusty stage manager Mr George. For years I never really did weekends because of gigging, I'm still surprised when I have one free to do normal weekend stuff. Sometimes not working at the weekend makes me feel nervous so if I'm not performing I'll always spend some time writing in my study, which means I have the pleasure of my own company – although I do start to get on my own nerves.

How do you prepare for a big night out?

Usually by making excuses not to go. I can't do big nights out anymore, they hurt for days after. I can do small to medium nights out, to be honest, I'd much rather prepare for a big night in.

What's your favourite party outfit?

Urgh, I don't have one, the phrase strikes terror into my heart, I hate heels and I hate things being tight on me (and everything is) so ideally my favourite party outfit would be a dressing gown.

You've just arrived at the bar. What's your first drink?

Chardonnay or pinot grigio, in fact my local supermarket has started selling a 'pinot chardonnay' – huzzah. I don't like champagne, it gives me colic like an old horse.

What's your favourite nightspot and why?

On a bean bag in front of my telly, supper on my knees, cold glass of wine to hand and the remote control in my sweaty fist

What tune always gets you on the dance floor?

Please – do I have to. It would take a cattle prod to get me on the dance floor, are you sure you meant to send me these questions? When I was a drama student in the late 70s I was a great dancer, I used to be such a good dancer that I got into clubs for free, but these days I get a stitch.

It's a sunny Saturday, what are you up to?

If it's really sunny, I'll visit Brockwell Lido, but very early before the pesky kids.

What was your most memorable weekend ever, and why?

Sorry, can't remember – I'm 53, though I do remember going to la Rochelle last year for our 30th anniversary and that was nice, though I was promised lobster and I didn't get it, we left booking dinner too late and I got a cheese toastie in a back street bar instead.

What's the recipe for a perfect night in?

Jamie Oliver's fish pie, lashings of white wine.

Favourite DVD? And what would you eat while watching it?

We like a bit of Borgen, I like the way her bun gets bigger and bigger the more powerful she becomes. I would like a mixed Mediterranean platter with that, thank you, though I should really stick to something Danish, not herring though they're a bit partial to herring, the Danes and I'm not.

Sunday lunch – home cooked or down the pub?

Neither, we do Sunday supper, which is posh fish and chips from the Sea Cow in East Dulwich – I have the roast salmon, yum, with mushy peas, yum (you can take the girl out of the North....).

You've got a whole weekend off and a wad of money in your back pocket. Which country or city would you head to and what would you do when you got there?

You can't go wrong with Italy – I love Venice, though its perilous state bothers me, I should really go somewhere I've never been.

One of my favourite films is In Bruges, so I could go and pay homage to that, or even just Amsterdam, I've never been. Basically wherever I went I'd like to find the best lobster place in town and I'd like to eat lobster 'til it came out of my ears and I'd like a hotel room with a massive bed over-looking the sea and then I'd have lobster for breakfast.

I also fancy Palm Springs: I'd like to do an architectural tour of Palm Springs, yes, that's what I'd like, thank you.

Professional Grumpy Old Woman, writer and panto star, Jenny Eclair, will bring her new show – Eclairious – to The Public, at West Bromwich, on June 15. She has spent more than 30 years in showbusiness and is well known for her appearances on Loose Women, where she is happy to be one of 'The Coven'.