Christmas 2016: The best Christmas cracker jokes rated by television channel Gold

If you are now gasping for breath, your ribs aching with laughter, you might well be in good company.

The joke, written by Laura Don, has been revealed as the funniest in a competition to find the best Christmas cracker joke.

The competition, organised by television comedy channel Gold, invited amateur comedians to write their own festive funnies. These were then put to an anonymous public vote to reveal the winning jokes.

Don's gag polled 20 per cent of the votes received, earning her a £1,500 holiday voucher for her effort. The top 20 was dominated by topical subjects: Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn, collapsed retailer BHS and former England manager Roy Hodgson are all targets, along with a gag about working conditions at Mike Ashley's Sports Direct warehouses.

The US presidential election, the Great British Bake Off's switch to Channel 4, and a fracas at a Ukip meeting also feature in the top 20.

Critic Bruce Dessau, who headed the judging panel, says: "One thing the British will always be good at is finding the funny side to almost any situation, and it's no surprise that Brexit featured as one of the dominant topics of this year's jokes.

"But it wasn't all about the EU, there were lots of cracking gags, with this year's news about Sports Direct, BHS and Bake Off also featuring in winning one-liners, all of which will hopefully get the Great British public laughing their socks off."

West Midland comedian Masai Graham, who won the Best Joke title at this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival, says the best cracker jokes usually had two crucial ingredients: "They need to be Christmas-related, and they need to be 'groanworthy'.

"They don't necessarily need to be 'ha, ha, ha', rolling-in-the-aisles funny. The best Christmas jokes are often the ones that have you rolling your eyes in disdain."

How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?

No Brussels.

What do workers at Sports Direct get for Christmas dinner?

About 5 minutes.

How do you recognise a Christmas tree from BHS?

All the branches have gone.

I bought my mum Mary Berry's cookbook for Christmas, I tried to get Paul Hollywood's but he'd sold out.

What's David Cameron's favourite Christmas song?

All I Want For Christmas is EU.

Why has ex-US presidential candidate Hillary Clinton asked Santa for a 23-letter alphabet?

Because she is sick of F.B.I.

Why didn't Roy Hodgson go to visit Santa at the North Pole?

He couldn't get past Iceland.

Why are Jeremy Corbyn's Christmas cards on the floor?

His cabinet collapsed.

Philip looks out of the window on Christmas Eve: 'That's some reindeer' he says.

The Queen replies: '63 years. Yes, that is a lot.'

What's the difference between the clementine in your Christmas stocking and Donald Trump?

Nothing, they're both a little orange.

What do you get if you cross Donald Trump with a Christmas Carol?

O Comb Over Ye Faithful.

What's the best advice you can give at the Ukip Christmas party?

Avoid the punch.

Why did the three wise men only have frankincense and myrrh?

Because Team GB took all the gold.

Which parent is likely to do the Christmas shop at Tesco this year?

Dad might, Marmite not.

Why can't the England football team play Yahtzee this Christmas?

Because they got rid of Allardyce.

I can't get to the chocolates in my advent calendar.

Foiled again.

Why is Bob Dylan's sleigh so quiet?

Because it has Nobel.

Why is everyone filing for divorce and custody of the kids this Christmas?

Tis the season to be Jolie.

Who might be cooking Christmas dinner at Number 10 this year?

Theresa May.

Why can't Mary Berry eat turkey sandwiches?

Entries were submitted via Twitter and shortlisted by a panel of judges before being put to a public vote of 2,000 British adults. The top six jokes are included in bespoke boxes of Christmas Gold crackers, which were presented to this year's winners.

Masai, from West Bromwich, said he liked Don's effort, but it was the second-placed joke about Sports Direct, which was this year likened to a Victorian workhouse by MPs, which got the biggest laugh.

The joke was: "What do workers at Sports Direct get for Christmas dinner? About five minutes."

He also laughed at third-place: "How do you recognise a Christmas tree from BHS? All the branches have gone."

Masai says: "Those jokes all fit the ethos of what makes a good Christmas joke."

Fellow funnyman Roger Swift, 33, from Wrockwardine Wood in Telford, said he liked the BHS joke, but was less taken by the Brexit sprouts.

"I like that one because it has got the clever word play, but the winning one is not so good.

"The good jokes are the ones which feature double meanings or words that sound similar. The best ones tend to be the ones that are multi-layered."

Masai observed that most of the jokes in this year's top 20 appeared to be of a topical nature.

"Last year I think the winning joke was about Take That splitting up, and there was one about Miley Cyrus," he said.

"But you probably won't hear these jokes in five or 10 years' time, whereas some of the timeless ones will still be around."

There are three jokes in the top 20 that can be considered timeless. One goes: "Which parent is likely to do the Christmas shop at Tesco this year? Dad might, Marmite not."

And if that is not 'groanworthy', it is hard to know what is.

Another that might make the eyes roll is "I can't get to the chocolates in my Advent calendar. Foiled again."

Masai, who is a careers worker by day, says he finds the best way to come up with a good joke is to use a well-known phrase or proverb as the punchline, and then work back from that.

"For example, my dad's from Jamaica and my mum is from Wales, so I guess that makes me the black sheep of the family," he says.

"You take the proverb as the punchline, and work back from that.

"My Edinburgh winner was: 'My dad wants me to become an organ donor. That makes him a man after my own heart'."