TV review: Celebrity Big Brother

The show that inexorably stretches the definition of 'celebrity' so far that using the same logic, I could consider myself a deep-sea diver from dunking my head into a paddling pool.

And this year, having lost one of their 'big names' at the 11th hour following Jim Davidson's decision to pull out and defend allegations of sex offences, Channel 5 have somehow scraped the bottom of the barrel through to the earth below with the line-up.

Here's the lowdown on the 12 contestants who entered the house last night:

Rylan: The talentless chap from X Factor. Part of me wants to think he's playing the media circuit for fame and money, but I think that's just the optimist in me trying to credit him with something other than a good standard of hygiene. Put your money on this guy, though, for he'll win, get his own reality show on ITV2 and then begin the slide into obscurity. Besides which, fake tan by the gallon can't be cheap.

Frankie Dettori: Winning the award for most recognisable celebrity of the bunch, I'd give favourable odds for the pint-sized jockey to do quite well. Although, perhaps a little too vanilla to win. Along with Rylan, Frankie was given the task of choosing which contestants would spend a night in the luxury house up top, and who would be consigned to the no-frills basement.

Paula Hamilton: Remember the VW Golf television advert from the late 80s? The woman from that, remember her? No, me neither. Judging by the boos and her demeanour, the Toblerone I got for Christmas has a better chance of winning the show. The first housemate chosen for life in the basement.

Tricia Penrose: With a dwindling number of acting jobs since Heartbeat and the glossy magazines swiping her every other day, she's perfect fodder for the cameras. In all honesty, the only way she can triumph, though, is if she somehow solves world hunger during her stay.

Ryan Moloney: Yes, it's Toadie from Aussie soap Neighbours. A solid contender to win plenty of fans. He'll do brilliantly so long as he says "flaming galah" at every given opportunity - but got sent downstairs.

Gillian Taylforth: It's Kathy Beale from Eastenders. Another rank outsider, but with a colourful history, my money says she'll be evicted fairly sharpish from an acute lack of character.

Sam Robertson: Walks onto the stage, and immediately sent down to the basement. Quite the fitting summary for the actor who formerly played Adam Barlow in Corrie. Misplaced cockiness doesn't tend to go down very well with the public, so unless the Scots vote en-masse through some misplaced sense of patriotism, not a hope in hell.

Lacey Banghard: With a name like that, you'd be forgiven for thinking she may have once been in a 1960s Bond film. But Lacey makes a living by flaunting her assets for Page 3 of the Sun. Her chances of winning are probably as ridiculous as her name.

Claire Richards: Remember Steps? They got back together last year after an acrimonious split – which was largely Claire's doing. But she actually seems lovely, albeit desperate for attention and a career, so there's a good chance she's the dark horse of the show.

Neil 'Razor' Ruddock: The last minute step-in for Jim Davidson. Whether the public has seen enough of the former footballer remains to be seen, having competed in I'm a Celebrity…Get Me Out Of Here, amongst other things. He'll be good at rustling egos, but he won't win.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt: Apparently they're the star couple on American reality show The Hills. I'm going to take a shot in the dark and say that's not a nature documentary about topographical features of the US countryside. Mr Pratt is also the second contestant to be blessed with an adjective for a surname, and on first impressions it seems rather fitting. I can't imagine for a minute they won't be the first to get evicted – they were also sent straight to the basement last night.

Robert Taylor