Jack Averty: Common courtesy – why it’s time we all shake hands on it

Well, as peacefully as you can knowing that your life is just a puny little pawn in a game of cat and mouse between countries you’ve probably never visited and at this rate probably never will.

But still, at least Arsenal are through to another FA Cup Final so even if nuclear oblivion does not come we can have 20 more years of Arsene Wenger. Suddenly oblivion doesn’t sound so bad.

Anyway, now you’re all cheered up with big smiles on your faces let’s get into it.

Does anyone else find it a tiny bit stressful not having some rules and guidelines in place for certain situations? Yes, life’s all about experiences, learning from them and letting them shape you. But wouldn’t it be better than, instead of having to royally embarrass yourself to learn, you could already know before certain situations arise?

In sport we have rules. We know, for example, before we step on to a football pitch that we can’t catch the ball and run round with it and when we step onto a golf course we can’t shout expletives and throw a club into the lake.

Of course, this doesn’t stop it from happening, as an under-11’s football tournament and a golf trip away with school will attest to – but at least when these things happen we know they’re wrong.

By rules and guidelines for life we aren’t talking about some kind of Orwellian 1964 Big Brother nightmare. We’re talking about minor things such as how to act in public, what words not to use in certain situations, and how to handle things like compliments.

Some of it seems obvious like, for example, gushing is a bad word that can rarely be used well. We have people throwing it out there like it’s as common a word as [insert your own heavily used word here].

People literally gush over its use. Now just read that small sentence back, horrible isn’t it? What is wrong with ‘people literally adore its use’ or ‘people really enjoy using it’ or ‘people really hate the word stop using it’s is not OK’.

Sadly, here must end the talk of gushing as there are more important topics to discuss, such as how on God’s green Earth you’re supposed to act in public.

We all assume it’s obvious, just make sure you’re polite, courteous, don’t overstep the mark.

This week two of Wolverhampton’s finest asked this columnist to move out the way as he was in their path as they rushed around the city centre. ‘Excuse me mate’, were the first words uttered by one of the men. Lovely stuff, nothing wrong with that. This gent has clearly read the book of life which we will be coming on to later. Calm, confident, polite and he got what he wanted. Problem solved and we’re away, we can go our separate ways and live our lives forever remembering this brief encounter.

However, gentleman number two had other ideas, he wanted to know what this writer was up to on this glorious sunny day in the city of dreams. Bit weird as we’d only just met but maybe he was generally interested. I’m sure he’d have enjoyed the answer of ‘just rushing to Greggs, pal before I head back to the office to write more words about discharges’.

‘Wow, discharges? That isn’t a good word, mate. I’d try and cut that from your vocabulary. I know you’re talking about people leaving hospital but maybe just spell it out next time.’

‘Thanks, mate, I’d never really thought about it, you’re right it is a horrible word. I wish I realised this before having this embarrassing moment. If only there was some kind of book that could be passed down through generations to help me know things like this before they happen.’

That’s how the conservation could’ve gone, provided the gent asked ‘what you up to, mate?’ or something along those lines.

But ‘wagwan bossy’ isn’t along those lines.

It’s difficult to construct a two-word question where both words make your spine crawl yet this gentleman nailed it in one. First try, 100 per cent, gold star.

‘Wagwan’ has become urban slang – derived from the Patois dialect of Jamaica – for ‘what’s going on’, while ‘bossy’ is an affectionate term used by someone who feels boss doesn’t have enough letters in it.

Needless to say the guy didn’t get a reply and what could have been a pleasant exchange about discharges is now a sour memory for the three of us involved. This list of little nuggets of life advice is endless really, everyone has their own that they could write down and pass on to their family and friends.

But one that has become a major bugbear for me recently is how to handle compliments.

When someone says you look nice, ‘no I don’t’ is not an acceptable response. Neither is ‘yeah, I know’.

What has happened to people smiling and saying ‘thank you very much’ or even, shock horror, ‘thank you very much, so do you’. Don’t shut down people’s niceness because you have a different opinion, let them lift you. This really isn’t rocket science.

All of this could be solved with a simple book that gets passed down through generations with all the little and obvious things that crop up in life in. Every time something happens that you feel is worthy of passing on just write it down. Then, when the time is right, you can pass on the book of life to your children – or whoever – and they can continue it, writing in their own advice.

Some of us have already started ours. Gushing, ‘discharges’, ‘wagwan bossy’ and ‘you look nice’ – it sounds like the quintessential great British night out.