Jack Averty: Three scary little words

It was sound advice, the only problem was the instructors forgot the fact that when you tell someone to ‘be themselves’ they are – literally – the opposite.

So up the gaggle of journalists went one by one, putting on voices they’ve never used before, waving their hands around like mad men and swaying from side to side as if they suffered from some nervous disposition.

There was, of course, some irony to being told to ‘be yourself’ by television presenters who are about as genuine as that Rolex watch you bought in Turkey, but that’s by the by.

It’s a strange term ‘just be yourself’. In essence, it’s calming and reassuring but in a situation where nerves are rife it seems to be the phrase that ignites panic like no other.

You don’t light a cigarette at a petrol station, so why tell someone who’s nervous to act natural?

Perhaps it started on your first date, when mum said ‘just be yourself and it will go great’. With those words came the first existential crisis – but I thought I was being myself? What even is ‘myself’? How do I normally act? What do I normally do?

With all these questions flying around, most of us end up acting like a mechanical robot, plotting and planning every move and word. Or many go the other way – losing any kind of filter, talking non-stop, barely pausing to shovel dinner down and only letting our date get a word in edgeways when they say ‘goodbye’ and ‘never call me again’.

The problem is we often get so dumbfounded by ‘being ourselves’ because we never put any thought into it, since it, rightly, comes naturally.

It’s like walking – right foot, left foot, right foot . . . but how often does anyone actually think about what they’re doing, the mechanics behind it and how they look?

You can bet your bottom dollar that if you ask your mate to walk across the room, then tell him he’s not doing it properly and ask him to do it again, he’ll have a melt down the proprotions of which Jeremy Kyle would be proud of.

But it is flipping difficult to actually act like yourself when you’re nervous.

Nerves do really, really strange things to people. Fear of being laughed at, disapproved of or rejected can make us feel as small as ants.

A friend once said when she went on dates, if the person spoke with slang she’d find herself talking the Queen’s English, but if the date spoke well, she’d turn all Cockney. It was as if she was trying to stand out, be different. It wasn’t intentional, it just happened.

We often come out with words we’d never usually use, put on accents, dress up in uncomfortable clothes. The list goes on, and it’s certainly not just isolated to dates.

Take job interviews for example, probably the next occasion when a true existential crisis hits in your life as your question yourself and you being.

Remember that first job interview? When you were all set, CV in hand and ready to bat back all those awkward questions and have the interviewer eating out of your hand as you list the company’s history.

But, while nervously heading for the front door, mum pipes up from the kitchen ‘just be yourself and you’ll be fine’.

“Yeah, thanks mum, after working hard to secure my dream job interview I’ve now decided to act like a completely different person in order to make sure it goes swimmingly.”

When you think about it, it really is a stupid thing to tell someone.

You might still get the job, life is strange and rewards people in weird ways.

But chances are you come back deflated with your CV and confidence in tatters.

Those seemingly uplifting three words, like pouring petrol on an open flame, can be toxic.

It’s nothing to be ashamed of and chances are people in the same position are also fraught with nerves, and they too will massively put their foot in it. It’s natural.

When we’re nervous we don’t even think about not being ourselves, we are just overcome with nerves and that alters our personality.

Sure there probably are ways to combat this – perhaps buzzwords to say, to keep yourself on track, or ‘thumbs up’ emojis sent from well-meaning friends.

But one solution is definitely not being told to ‘just be yourself’.

If you don’t understand the fuss, try writing down and defining what ‘yourself’ is and not having an existential crisis.

And then as you wipe away the tears and stop rocking in the corner remember the one vital lesson this exercise has taught you – stop telling people those three words.

People are who they are, and they will act how they act.

Maybe the phrase shouldn’t be ‘ just be yourself’, but ‘don’t be afraid’ or even, if we’re running short on clichés, ‘que sera, sera’.