Political column - September 28

After all the doom and gloom we have been presented with a promising package of policies projecting positivity.

In case you missed his conference speech, or don't understand the issues, I can offer a free service of easy-to-follow in-depth political analysis.

POWER: After 14 years of Conservative chaos Sir Keir tells us we have a government of actions, not slogans, to fix the foundations. Change begins!

PYLONS: Coming to green fields near you sometime soon, so long as they can find space for them among the new housing areas. They are going to be needed to facilitate Sir Keir's environmental objectives. Reject the philosophy of the moaners who complain about the loss of their "precious countryside." Don't they realise that people in London don't have any countryside?

PRISONS: We are going to have to build more and more of them because lots of people are going to have to be locked up – such as protesters against pylons and, indeed, those who object to having new prisons on their doorstep.

PLANNING: An iron grip on the planning process is crucial. There will of course be consultation, if only to draw out and identify the reactionaries who are not in with the plan.

PENSIONERS: What have they ever done for us? They are the idle rich and somebody has to pay for inflation-busting pay rises for union members struggling to get by on £70,000-plus a year. Poor pensioners are excepted. They can keep their payments.

PEOPLE: Sir Keir's government will be a government for the people, in particular, "working people." That is his code for union members. Within the hierarchy of this favoured group are an elite. Top of the pile are "hardworking people." That is code for union members who are not currently on strike.

PRESSURES ON THE PUBLIC PURSE: There will be a period of pain.

PREVENTION: We have to protect our precious NHS by promoting healthy lifestyles. Pubs will have to close for longer as Sir Keir moves to tackle the perils of the demon drink. Or close for good, so that they can be classed as part of the "grey belt" and built all over. Sweets are a big no-no if we are to reverse the obesity/dentistry crisis. P-p-p-put down a Penguin.

PUNISHMENTS/PROSECUTIONS: A promising area of growth. Pub landlords, landlords generally, smokers, drinkers, water company bosses, rioting racists from Up North, climate change deniers, fossil fuel fans, partygoers, people who buy gas boilers, assorted heretics... To increase tolerance in modern Britain there is going to have to be a programme of crackdowns, and a lot more things are going to have to be made illegal.

PROTEST: Such a thing of the past. And not needed in Starmer's Britain.

PALESTINE: See above.

PRINCIPLES: May change.

PLAGIARISM: Sir Keir will "take back control." The State will provide and decide.

Now you may by now have noticed that I have got a bit carried away with a particular theme, but before you put pen to paper to say it's a bit puerile please forgive me, I'm only taking the p.

Speaking of which, a perplexing fact. My research (i.e. googling Wikipedia) shows there has never been a leader of the Labour Party with a surname beginning with "p." Shouldn't Sir Keir be instituting a public inquiry?

............

If you are reading this on a "device," have you ever thought of taking a peek inside it?

Of course not, nobody does. In my childhood, you would take things apart out of curiosity to try to find out how they worked. I remember getting an electric shock from an old telly, and exploring the inner workings of a reel-to-reel tape recorder. Such adventurism today is not only discouraged, but is often impossible.

Events in the Middle East should give us food for thought about how our reliance on devices could be exploited. It could happen through something like a sonic pulse, subliminal messaging, or that sort of thing.

A lot of the modern technology we use comes from China, a strategic enemy, we are led to believe.

Imagine an entire generation of young Britons brainwashed at the flick of a distant switch.