A helping hand in life and death - what it's like to be a death doula in Shropshire

“Essentially a death doula is someone who is hired to walk side-by-side with people as they navigate death. We can be present during end of life but I would say that the vast majority of my work is done in the lead-up to death, reassuring and supporting clients and families and afterwards by holding and working with people’s death rites and supporting families to navigate bereavement and grief,” she explains.

“It’s so difficult to put into words the magnificence of the work that I do. The experience can’t really be summed up. I do not provide any medical or physical care, that’s for palliative nurses, carers and families, but what I do offer is a reassuring listening ear, a comforting and accepting presence and time. I have time to be truly present,” adds Merryn, who lives in Shrewsbury.

Before becoming a death doula, Merryn, who is also a celebrant and writer, supported women during pregnancy, labour and in the early months after childbirth.

“I was working as a birth doula, the birth of my third child acting as a springboard away from more conventional therapeutic practices that my previous business had been centred around. It was in working as a birth doula that I was introduced to the concept of being present for death. One of the mothers-to-be who I was working with miscarried and of course, I wasn’t going to then turn away supporting her as she navigated some of her most heart-breaking moments. Ceremony became a natural part of supporting her through her miscarriage. Ceremony being a funeral in this case,” she explained. 

“I began offering miscarriage support shortly after that experience and it was something that I was booked for over and over but it was in witnessing a still birth that my work shifted over to exclusively working with death and grief.

“Here in Shrewsbury, we have some mind-blowing birth doulas and so I trusted that my stepping back from birth work wouldn’t be a problem. What we didn’t have was someone consistently showing up to support people through loss, death and grief. That, paired with seeing a beautiful art exhibition which inspired me to take the plunge, is how I landed working with death.”

Tending to people’s grief is an important part of Merryn’s work. “Grief tending is the art of supporting someone to navigate their grief in whatever way that looks for them. I will most definitely offer therapeutic listening, I may signpost to services that may be of benefit to them like art classes, community groups, meal prep services, etc. and I support them emotionally, giving them a space that is free of judgment to talk freely so that they are able to clear some mind space and better support themselves and often, their families,” she explains.

“I offer a space for people to truly surrender to their emotions, to feel love and to rest in knowing that they are not alone and that I believe in their ability to feel and work through their feelings. That can offer healing for so many people,” adds Merryn.

The mother of three holds numerous grief cafes across the county which give people the opportunity to talk about their experience of death and grief as well as monthly grief tending walks, circles and laments.

“I consider myself a community tender as so much of my work is community based and is driven by the motivation for creating opportunities for connection. When you don’t see me at home, tending to our animals and children, you’ll find me holding a ceremony for people who are crossing thresholds, for example, mother blessings, intimate personalised ceremonies and funerals, or bringing together our grieving population with a cup of tea and home-baked goodies,” says Merryn. “For years grief has been pushed behind closed doors and I feel like I am part of the revolution that is saying, ‘No’, to that notion. It’s important for grief to be witnessed, and to be truly felt,” she adds.

When asked what she loves most about her work, Merryn says: “Seeing someone come from feeling alone to knowing and trusting in their emotional processing. It’s everything for me. This world needs more people to feel their feelings with discipline, showing up authentically, communities offering empathy and stepping in to hold and support one another. It leads to people feeling part of something, that in turn brings a wave of creativity and creativity, that’s what the world needs right now. So the thing I love the most, it’s a ‘look’ in the eyes of someone who knows they are being witnessed because, when I see that look, I can feel the magical snowball effect igniting,” she adds.

“Nearly all of the work that I do is donation-based because I so passionately believe that this is something that absolutely should be provided for free. However, we don’t live in a world where I can pay for my bills in kindness. It’s important to me that the people accessing the services that I offer are comfortable, not just in the moment, but for those who are grieving, that years down the line, they feel that they were held and supported with love, not taken advantage of.

“It’s a difficult path to navigate and I rely heavily on donations from those who can see value in the work that I am offering to fund it. That way, the services can be shared at low costs and I can still feed my children and pay my bills.”

Merryn is also the Guardian of Soulton Long Barrow, near Wem, and holds open days on the first Sunday of every month. “Being at the barrow is an embodied experience and the fact that I have the privilege of tending to the barrow is such a humbling gift,” she says.

She has also written a book, titled Guided, which is a guide to holding ceremonies for each of the thresholds that women cross throughout their lives. It follows her Grief Journal and Death Planner and all three are available from her website www.merryntenalach.com. People can also contact merryn@merryntenalach.com.