Columnist and trained counsellor Fiona Caine answers another set of common dilemmas

A few months back, my partner left me for someone else. It came a shock, as we had talked about having kids together. Nor did he have the decency to tell me to my face – he just packed his things and moved out one day while I was at work.

He left an email message, but that’s it, and I can’t forgive him for that. A few things were said that I wish I could take back, but in my defence, I was angry at being treated so badly.

Anyway, it’s done with now and I hoped I’d get some support from old friends. The problem is, what I thought of as ‘our’ friends are now avoiding me. Word has got back to me that my ex is seeing lots of our old friends, along with his new girlfriend, and that really hurts.

I think it’s fair to say that I am the injured party here, yet he’s the one who gets to spend time with our friends. A single, dumped female friend in need of support is too difficult to have around, apparently. Not one of them has bothered to call me to see how I am doing. I’m 34, back on the unattached list, and missing my female friends a lot more than I do my ex. It seems so unfair. What’s going on?

J. R.

Fiona says: Could you try reaching out? – It would be easy to simply accept that they are shallow and that you’re better off without them. However, genuine friends are hard to come by and, if you feel that you still want them in your life, I think you need to actively work at keeping them. Many people find it hard to stay friendly with both parties after a split, especially when it’s an ill-tempered one. They often don’t want to be seen to be taking sides, for fear of upsetting one party or the other.

It’s possible that your ex has already made contact them, and they have gone along with this rather than be confrontational. This doesn’t mean that they like him more than you however, nor that they are unwilling to support you if called upon.

It’s just easier for them to not make an issue of it, so please don’t give up on them.

Avoid talking about your ex unless they bring it up first. And if they do, try not to say anything unpleasant about him, however much you want to, as this might make them feel that they must take a side.

Of course, none of this should stop you from looking for yet more friends. Develop some new interests, hobby, or sport. It doesn’t matter what this is, just as long as it puts you in contact with other potential friends. Good luck.

How can I feed my kids cheaply over the summer?

The weather has been pretty awful this year, but the children are desperate to go out and about. Which I’m more than happy to do, rather than have them cooped up in the house. The problem for me, though, is that eating out with children is just so expensive.

I’m really hoping August will be a warmer, dryer month and that we can get to places where they can let off steam, but I’m worried about feeding them. As a kid, we used to have lots of picnics – but also lots of tummy upsets, which rather puts me off the idea. I’d appreciate any suggestions on how to eat out safely on the cheap.

Fiona says: Make picnics fun – I’m sure you’re one of many people facing this challenge. Food is always important, as children seem to be forever hungry! In the current climate, the cost of food is a big concern for a lot of families, but you can create delicious and nutritious picnic lunches safely with some simple ingredients.

If you don’t own a cool bag, the chill bags sold at the till counter by some supermarkets will do for a short time. Freeze some cool blocks to pop in with the food and if you’re at all worried about it going off in the heat, aim for an early lunch.

Sandwiches are an easy staple – but think about cold cooked chicken wings; sausages; hard boiled eggs; chunks of cheese. If you’re children are happy to eat these items, they are all good for picnics. Add some chunks of cucumber or baby tomatoes and their favourite fruit and you’re good to go!

One of the worst culprits for food poisoning is leftovers, including rice, so that’s perhaps best avoided. And avoid cross-contamination by keeping everything separate and well wrapped.

Single and lonely

I am a 36-year-old man and finding it very difficult to find a partner. I don’t want to grow old alone.

R. E.

Fiona says: Have faith – I have never had such a short, sad letter. Nor have I ever had to compose a response with so little detail about the person who has written to me. Because of this, what I am about to say must be generic in nature, and may well suggest things that you’ve already tried. It also may not be culturally appropriate, so I apologise in advance if anything causes offence.

It’s clear that you are looking for a long-term partner, which is fine. However, if you’ve tried to do this is a club or bar in the past, you’ve probably found it doesn’t work. Most people here are looking for a good time, not a potential marriage partner. So, my first bit of advice is to choose the right environment for your search. Historically, matchmaking would have taken place at large community gatherings. However, in our increasingly fragmented world, these are far less frequent and dating agencies have taken over. An internet search will yield dozens of matching-making agencies, none of which I will recommend individually – have a look to find what feels like a good fit for you to try. All I would suggest is that you ensure they are at least a member of the Association of British Introduction Agencies (abia.org.uk).

How can I stop mother-in-law constantly popping in?

During Covid, I worked from home like many other people, and assumed I would go back to working in the office once it was over. However, last year my boss decided that she was happy for me to continue working from home. I was really happy at first, but it’s become harder and harder to get in a full day’s work.

The problem is my mother-in-law, who keeps popping in for a chat or cup of coffee. It was great while we were in lockdown, because my children were at home and I needed someone to keep them busy while I worked. However, now that it’s over and the children are back at school, I am hugely busier. My work requires me to concentrate for long periods of time on complex matters, and I just can’t cope with her constant interruptions.

I have tried to make it obvious to her that I am busy by making calls while she is there, or sounding more harassed than I actually am to guilt her into leaving. But it’s just not working.

Don’t get me wrong, she’s a lovely lady and really good with my children. However, I can feel myself getting angry with her and just know I am going to say something soon that I will probably regret. What can I do?

H. B.

Fiona says: Offer a kind compromise – Choose a moment when you are free to talk with her and try to establish some ground rules. Explain that you are really busy with work and that you’d appreciate it if she could only come at certain times. I assume you take a break during the day, so perhaps suggest that she pops in then for a coffee or to share a lunch with you. Alternatively, perhaps she could visit once you’ve finished.

It should be possible to work out a system that keeps you both happy. To avoid any further build-up of resentment or anger, I suggest you do this soon. Once you’ve got a system in place, of course, there’s always the possibility that she calls your bluff and carries on much as before. In this case, you will need to be firm. I am sure she will adjust, at which point you can start to encourage her to take up new interests in case loneliness is the problem here.