Political column – March 24

As our Prime Minister, she is stoutly doing her duty for the nation. She is being humiliated for Britain.

Around the world our friends are appalled, and our non-friends are howling with laughter.

A nation which was once led by, in no particular order, Neville Chamberlain, John Major, Pitt the Elder, and Stanley Baldwin, is now in such a collective funk that it is in a state of political cryology, frozen and fearful, afraid to move from the spot.

In such times Britain has been calling out for somebody to meet the needs of this historic occasion, to stand up for Britain, to get knocked down for Britain, to stand up for Britain, to get knocked down for Britain... (repeat as necessary).

Theresa May is a modern politician for the hour. Massive Parliamentary defeats? All in a day's work. Contempt and disrespect by the unelected leaders of the European Union? She takes it for Britain.

She is humiliated so that we don't have to be. She mops it up, and moves on.

In those far-off, old-fashioned days, any Prime Minister with an ounce of self respect would resign if their flagship policy was put in the dustbin by a record defeat. That is not her way. She sticks and stays to give much-needed continuity in embarrassing failure.

She is the unsinkable Mrs May. They should name ships after her. Holed beneath the waterline, with the crew in a permanent state of mutiny, she drifts on.

And in these remarkable times let's hear it too for the Right Honourable Leader of the Opposition.

If the weekend rumours are correct, Jeremy Corbyn is looking for a way out so that he can spend more time down on his allotment.

He was also rumoured never particularly to have wanted to become leader in the first place, and for a serial backbench rebel you can sympathise with him. Where is the fun in being a leader?

It meant the boring business of being expected to be mainstream, required to be for things, rather than against, and to have a grasp of detail and come up with coherent and consistent policy.

This figurehead stuff isn't his bag. He would rather be on the backbenches throwing the rotten tomatoes.

On Brexit, Labour's "all options are open" approach has been right up his street, allowing maximum opposition for minimum thought.

As the unfolding situation has required Labour to become somewhat more specific, he has allowed himself to be taken hostage by the notorious Starmer-Thornberry gang, and reads out their kidnappers' notes without enthusiasm.

Jezza is 70 on May 26. Prepare, I predict, for an announcement.

Truly, we are honoured to be living in an era which boasts political leaders like this.

We are now in the position of being in a constitutional crisis, in a time of utmost seriousness, with the future of the entire nation at stake, with the prospect of a shambolic chaotic disastrous cliff-edge economically suicidal 700,000 job-losing medicine shortages panic-buying poverty-creating hunger-generating lemming-satisfying no deal Brexit, or a shambolic chaotic (etc., etc.) permanent no no-deal non-Brexit delay, or a shambolic chaotic (you know the drill by now) adoption of Theresa May's deal after approximately 136 votes on it in the Commons until MPs get it right.

I can sense readers are terrified by all of the above. You can see it in their eyes, behind their closed eyelids.

As running the country is now no longer anything to do with ordinary people, we may as well start cracking the jokes.

Here goes:

A man goes into a bar with a crocodile.

"Do you serve politicians?" he asks.

"Yes, of course."

"Then I'll have a pint and he (pointing at the crocodile) will have a politician."

Here's another: "I voted Remain. Not just for political reasons, but because my mum's moved to Spain and I want her to stay there." (Leo Kearse).

And lastly (and if you are of a sensitive disposition, stop reading now)... A man goes into a house of ill repute. A young lady goes up to him. He whispers in her ear. She exclaims "No way!" and slaps him. Another lady has a go. He whispers in her ear. "Certainly not!" she cries out in shock.

Having watched what's happened, the experienced boss decides it's time to intervene. She goes up to the man.

He whispers in her ear: "Do you take euros?"