Could do better: Our politicians' end of term report cards

Theresa May

The head girl left us towards the end of this term. It was for the best. Nobody can fault Theresa for effort. She has impressive qualities of diligence and seriousness and we had high hopes for her.

Sadly, she was unable to keep discipline during a particularly unruly period at Westminster College. And of course her time with us was affected by a chronic bout of Brussels fever.

It was a great disappointment to her when she flunked the exam. She thought the examiners must have made a mistake. But despite submitting her paper for remarking on three occasions, she never came close to scraping a pass.

We wish Theresa well as she pursues a gap year walking in Snowdonia.

Jeremy Corbyn

The attendance register has shown that Jeremy has been present in lessons, but he tends not to be involved. Grasping detail is not his strong point.

Among some of his classmates he is called "The Leader" but we think this must be an ironic nickname as few of them have obvious confidence in him. He does though have a lot of mates outside of school.

Jeremy is very popular in some quarters but is heavily influenced by what others tell him. There are times that we don't know what Jeremy thinks, and suspect that that is because he's waiting for his mate Len to tell him what to think.

Jeremy used to be quite the rebel and obviously misses that. Has shown a talent for gardening, and that is where his future may lie.

Boris Johnson

Well, you could have knocked us down with a feather in the staff room when the class clown became head boy.

Boris has us all laughing and crying in equal measure, with his antics and wonderful tall tales.

He is so immersed in the Classics that nobody knows what he's talking about half the time. And what does "tergiversating" mean for heaven's sake?

One of life's great entertainers, whose latest prank is trying to keep a serious face for as long as he can. He must be doing it as some kind of dare. Boris is going to be a real superstar. Or supernova.

Jacob Rees-Mogg

We call him The Doctor as he is the closest we have to a time traveller.

Jacob is bewildered by the modern world and had to call his butler for advice on how to operate the school coffee machine. Reads Erskine May before bedtime.

A model of politeness, he has a great future behind him.

Jo Swinson

Jo has taken over from Vince Grumble as the social conscience of the class and is a breath of fresh air, although she will take a little while to find her feet.

One thing we have noticed about Jo is that she is both a democrat and a pragmatist – she likes democratic votes, but says she will only accept those votes she agrees with.

Michael Gove

Michael is everybody's best friend. At least, that's what he tells them.

Will go far.

Chris Grayling

Was sent home for persistent offending, but returned because he had missed his bus.

Stephen Barclay

Mmm, name rings a bell, but can't place him. Still around, apparently.

Nigel Farage

A message to parents: We are aware that this notorious character has been seen in the vicinity of the school and has been scaring the living daylights out of everybody in class.

We believe the best response to such an outsider and disruptive influence is to ignore him and hope he gets bored and goes away.