Political column – April 11

Poor Jezza lives in London, a remote city in south east England cut off from reality by the M25. Surrounded by his political friends he may be, but if he stays there he will be haunted by bad political memories.

It is no place to retire. So head north, young man, and reconnect with the area where you first cut your political teeth.

It is not my place to poison his mind with capitalist economics, but suffice to say that the Islington house in which he lives must be worth £600,000 or so, and if you roll in his pension he and Laura would have a big wad to splash in these parts.

But where would be a welcoming home for a retiring Labour leader? Newport, the place he was brought up, comes immediately to mind. There's a lot more housing to choose from now as well, as acres of new homes have been built since the days he lived in that manor, sorry house, on the edge of the town.

There are other attractive possibilities too. In his older age, he could re-establish his links with his alma mater and become a governor of Adams' Grammar School. They would, I am sure, be delighted by his input.

However, there has always been a sense that Jezza has not wanted to make too much of his middle class background in Newport.

Next househunting area then must be the Wrekin district, where he was a dedicated and campaigning young socialist and there are still a handful of people who remember him. There's great walking round about and with the sort of money he's got he can have his allotment in his own garden, which will be a lot more convenient.

If he wanted to keep his hand in, politically speaking, he could stand for Wellington Town Council.

The above assumes that he will want to get away from the city life. But having lived in London for so long, he might want to continue to enjoy the buzz of a great city.

Which brings us to Wolverhampton. Depending exactly what part of the city he wishes to inhabit, his money could go far.

Admittedly, assuming he wants to live in a Labour-voting constituency, his choices have narrowed somewhat since December.

So it's Wolverhampton South East for Jezza.

Bilston then.

While on the subject of Labour leaders, may I offer my hearty congratulations to Sir Keir Starmer on his election to succeed Mr Corbyn.

Solid, reliable, clever, and trustworthy are all words which have been used to describe the new leader, but I'm keeping an open mind about this unabashed political fraudster.

Being clever is generally an asset. Starmer (he apparently prefers not to be called Sir) is something different – he's clever-clever.

I still can't get my head around how he could, in all conscience, continue in office as shadow Brexit secretary for over three years when he didn't believe in Brexit and devoted his efforts to stopping or subverting it. It's like having a minister of defence who doesn't believe in defence.

He was also the mastermind of a Labour Brexit policy which, if it had been enacted by a Labour government, would have been one of the biggest acts of political bad faith in history.

Just a reminder of what would have happened. Starmer and other diehard Remainers who didn't believe in Brexit would have gone to Brussels on behalf of the UK government to negotiate a Brexit deal they didn't believe in and then ask the public to vote on that deal while either openly opposing the very deal they had negotiated or taking a wishy-washy "neutral" stance.

One of the main reasons he is the choice of Labour members is that they think he's a winner. He was actually one of the principal architects of their thumping December 2019 defeat through a clever-clever all-things-to-all-people Brexit policy which treated British voters as if they were stupid.

There is a rumour, incidentally, that he was the inspiration for Mark Darcy in The Diary of Bridget Jones. But I think it can't be true as he's not that interesting.

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My wife got a face mask during this week.

My reaction as a husband was of course what you would expect: "But darling, it doesn't work – I can still see your face."

Wearing face masks has been quite common in the Far East from even before the times of coronavirus.

In the current crisis, from what I've read they are crucial for those in close contact with somebody who is infected, but there's a lot less consensus about how valuable they are for the general public going about their normal business.

There's a particular reason that my wife getting a face mask is an inconvenience. Her birthday's coming up and now I'm going to have to think of another present.