The peer and the pippins

IF you visit a firm's website and a page fails to load, you usually get an Americanised apology on the lines of: “Oops, we've boobed!” So I was charmed a few days ago to have this same problem with the Royal Shakespeare Company website, which responded: “No page! How did that happen? We are indeed an ass-head, and a coxcomb, and a knave, a thin-faced knave, a gull!” Will would have approved.

FOR a fascinating insight into political thought processes, catch “At Lunch with Becky Milligan” (Radio 4) in which the reporter buys a meal for Tony Blair's old pal and former Lord Chancellor, Lord “Charlie” Falconer. His Lordship doesn't want to talk about Blair. He doesn't seem to know what Labour's immigration policy is. Despite being on an apple-based diet for the past four years, he doesn't know much about apples, although he confides that some are red, some are green and others are both red and green. Falconer's only real concerns seem to be his weight and forming another Labour government: “We have to get back in.” He doesn't explain why.

AS a rule I would object to my TV licence fee paying for a wealthy politician's lunch. But the Falconer interview was an education, and therefore money well spent. If any future Labour government needs a Minister of Unillumination, Falconer's your man.

GREAT EU-referendum whoppers: “Scotland voted to Remain.” No, it did not. In last year's EU referendum the Scots got exactly the same question as everyone else: “Should the United Kingdom remain a member of the European Union?” If the question had been: "Should Scotland leave the EU no matter how England votes?" the result might have been different. This week, another referendum on Scotland leaving the UK is threatened. But despite all the claymore-rattling, when the chips and deep-fried Mars bars are down on the issue of Europe, the wisest of the Scots will vote to do whatever England does.

I SUGGESTED it was odd that North Korean spooks might have unleashed the deadly nerve agent VX in a crowded Malaysian airport in order to kill the exiled Kim Jong-nam . Why not simply shoot him? A reader suggests the nerve-agent attack was designed to terrify other would-be troublemakers. Really? Or have the North Koreans been watching too much Austin Powers?

IN the Powers films, Dr Evil (Mike Myers) devises hideously intricate ways to kill Powers, none of which works. Eventually Evil's son Scott loses patience with the latest wheeze, to lower Powers slowly into a lava pit. “I have a gun in my room,” says Scott. “You give me five seconds, I'll get it, come back down here. Boom! I'll blow their brains out.” There is an embarrassed pause before Doctor Evil replies: “Scott, you just don't get it, do you?” Dr Evil would have loved VX.

FOR really intricate ways of dying, look no further than Spooks the BBC spy series which ran from 2002 to 2011 and has never been bettered. As MI6 sets out this month to attract more recruits, Spooks offers all sorts of reasons for choosing accountancy instead. Bit hush-hush. Can't say too much now. More tomorrow.