Brexititis – A malady with no known cure
Every time you hear the word Brexit it seems to give you more of a headache – and we are all hearing it a lot. So what can be done to alleviate the symptoms?
“Doctor, doctor, please help me! I just don’t know what is the matter with me. For some time I have been having feelings of confusion and uncertainty, and whenever I turn on the radio or television I am overcome by nausea, weariness, and apathy. Whatever could be wrong?”
“Mmm, I’ve been coming across a lot of this lately. It is quite a major epidemic sweeping the country. My diagnosis is Brexititis. There is a related condition prevalent on the continent where it’s known as Salzburg Psychosis, or BBS – Bash Britain Syndrome.”
“Oh no Doctor, it all sounds really bad. Is there a cure for Brexititis?”
“I think there is. With careful management and a lot of patience, we can get you through this.”
“And what’s the treatment? When can it start?”
“The treatment is through counselling. And we can start it straight away.”
“Is it serious?”
“Well, opinions differ on that.”
“Are you ABSOLUTELY MAD Doc!? The politicians and commentators are telling us that Brexit is the worst crisis to hit this country for 50 years!”
“In the words of Eric Morecambe – Arsenal!”
“Eh?”
“Sorry, I misremembered. What I meant to say is, in the words of Eric Morecambe – rubbish!”
“I don’t mean to be impolite Doc, but I simply cannot believe what I am hearing.”
“Then hear me out. Brexititis is a form of mass hysteria which is reinforced by the Here And Now syndrome, which is a belief that what is happening here and now is uniquely important in history. And please don’t let anyone know I told you this because I’ll get struck off, but at the end of the day ... it’s only a trading arrangement.
“Yikes, Doc! Pan-European standards, rules, regulations ... We are facing absolute disaster. Everybody says so. Nobody votes to become poorer, Doc.”
“Then nobody would vote for a political party with a tax, borrow, and spend manifesto. Nor an austerity manifesto, for that matter.”
“It’s not the same at all. We benefit in other ways, so we’re not really poorer. It’s a choice we make.”
Examples
“Exactly. Now I’m not saying Brexit isn’t important but, as national maladies go, we’ve been through a lot worse in recent history.”
“If only that were true, Doc. Would it make me feel any better?”
“Maybe, maybe not. But we can give it a try. Let me give you a few examples. There was the banking crisis of 2008 which gave us years of austerity and left millions of people poorer, even including one or two bankers who saw their bonuses reduced.”
“I’ll give you that one.”
“Then there were The Troubles. Nobody has died because of Brexit. But thousands of British people, in Northern Ireland and on the mainland, died during The Troubles. The fabric of the running of the UK was under direct attack and the economic cost was incalculable.”
“Thank heavens peace initiatives by Jeremy Corbyn, Sinn Fein, and the EU brought an end to all that.”
“For my next exhibit, I bring you the entire 1970s. I really don’t know where to start. I think it will give you a flavour if I tell you that the Chancellor of the Exchequer had to turn back in a hurry from Heathrow and apply for an emergency loan from the International Monetary Fund to bail out the economy. And inflation in 1975 was 24 per cent.”
“That does sound pretty bad.”
“Then we have the devastating levels of unemployment in the early 1980s. And as we’re reaching the end of this consultation, I’ll bring it up to date with global warming and David Attenborough’s warning that mass extinction is on the horizon.”
“That’s all very well, Doc. But MPs, the people who run the country and know about stuff, are in a real tizzy about this whole Brexit business.”
“They’re politicians – they’re paid to be hysterical.”
“Thanks Doc. I’m not sure you’ve cured me of Brexititis, but knowing things could be even worse is a bit of comfort.”
“No problem at all. You can slip your clothes back on now.”
