Mark Andrews: Rishi talks tough on graffiti, party's over for Tupperware, and don't stroke the donkeys

It seems these days you aren't a proper PM until you've started a war and announced a crackdown on anti-social behaviour.

Now, to me, anti-social behaviour means poor personal hygiene, foul language – and I don't mean politically incorrect terminology – or sitting in parked cars with the stereo blaring. Personally, I'd ban all blinged-up small hatchbacks with fat exhausts, but I suppose you have to live and let live a little sometimes.

Rishi Sunak, on the other hand, defines anti-social behaviour as what we used to call 'crime'. Graffiti, drug-taking, smashing windows, stuff like that.

Obviously, being a government initiative, it involves 'trailblazers', followed by a 'roll-out', and a 'digital reporting tool', which I think means a website.

Anyhow, while walking past some horrible graffiti along a canal towpath this week, I began thinking about what I would like to see from 'crackdown' on graffiti. After careful deliberation, for about 90 seconds, I concluded the best solution would be to place the perpetrator in stocks, provide him or her with a face mask to protect their eyes, and then invite members of the public to spray them from head to food with their own graffiti.

After a few weeks trying to remove the paint from their hair and skin, I suspect there would not be many repeat offenders.

Needless to say, Rishi's crackdown is less creative. Yobs will get a stern telling off and be ordered to clean up their mess while wearing a yellow vest.

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This, of course, depends on the yobs being caught in the first place. A tall order, when you've got all those pronouns to police.

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Meanwhile, daern saerf, New Forest Council has launched its own crackdown on anti-social behaviour, with £1,000 fines for feeding or stroking the ponies and donkeys.

Apparently, the animals are becoming 'aggressive' as they demand the same level of attention from every passer by.

Something tells me this crackdown will be enforced far more rigorously than Mr Sunak's.

A slap on the wrist for graffiti, and heavy fines for stroking a donkey. Modern Britain to a tee, isn't it?

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Tupperware is reportedly on the brink of collapse following the decline of sales.

Can't say I'm surprised. I can't help but think that future generations will stare in disbelief when told how otherwise sane housewives used to entertain themselves by holding parties where they bought and sold plastic sandwich containers.