Mark Andrews – Shoplifters, Boris's barnet, and mortgage misery for Mr Body Art
Sat outside a cafe overlooking Sainsbury's, my attention was drawn to a young man casually strolling out the shop with a haul of energy drinks, pursued by a shop assistant who promptly snatched them back.
"I'll have those, thank you very much," she said. The man, obviously a shoplifter, nonchalantly pondered his next move, before heading towards another convenience store.
Shoplifting offences reportedly rose by 23 per cent last year. And if that's how it's dealt with, I'm amazed it's not more.
You can hardly blame the shopworkers, who are neither trained nor paid to be crimefighters. And if they do apprehend him, what then? Detain him for three or four hours hoping the police will turn up?
This is usually where someone mutters something about 'austerity' and policing budgets. But official figures show there are significantly more police officers in England and Wales today than there were 20 years ago. I wonder what would have happened if the shoplifter used the wrong pronoun.
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No tears for Boris Johnson. Well at least none of sympathy. Maybe a little disappointment that someone who was handed such a golden opportunity to change Britain then went and squandered it through his own arrogance.
That said, the members of the privileges committee sound a right bunch of pompous so-and-sos, don't they?
First of all there's the charge of 'misleading parliament', which sort of implies that lying to other politicians is a far graver offence than lying to the rest of us.
And then there is the 90-day penalty – 20 days for the offence itself, and 70 for protesting about the outcome.
It's a bit like giving a footballer a yellow card for breaking someone's leg. And then sending him off for sulking about it.
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As for the furore about his honours list, I think the real scandal has been overlooked.
Of all the people Boris might make an OBE, he chose his hairdresser. Talk about rewarding failure.
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Mr King of Ink Land King Body Art The Extreme Ink-Ite, who used to be known as Mathew Whelan, is Britain's most tattooed man.
The Brummie – obviously – is covered almost entirely in ink, to the extent his face resembles a peacock's bum, his nipples have been removed to create room for more tatts, and the whites of his eyes have actually been dyed black.
Each to their own, I guess. Anyhow, Bods is taking a bit of time out from self-mutilation, blaming the rise in mortgage-rates. This cost-of-living crisis is obviously worse than we thought.
Perhaps he could make a few quid by hiring himself out as advertising space.
