Peter Rhodes: A terrible but memorable accent

THAT much-abused expression "a Catch-22" perfectly fits the Government's dilemma over introducing learner drivers to motorways. You should not drive on a motorway until you are an experienced motorway driver. Er . . .

THE latest plan to solve this quandary is to allow L-drivers on to the motorway network, but only if they are accompanied by a qualified instructor in a vehicle with dual controls. So who will do the texting?

AT the age of 91, Dick Van Dyke reflects on his best-known movie role, as Bert the chimney sweep in Mary Poppins, and declares ruefully: "Someone should have told me I needed to work on my Cockney accent." No, they shouldn't have. The actor's appalling accent is a part of the magic of the 1964 film and helps make it unforgettable. Gorblimey, you're a toff and no mistake, Mr Van Dyke.

THERE is an old saying about mild winters: "Green Christmas, fat graveyard." In other words, without a long, hard frost to whiten the fields and kill off the bugs, infections will strike and the death rate will rise. But a reader in the antiques trade tells me of a contrary belief, that more old folk die in a hard winter. When that happens, the value of second-hand oak, mahogany and other old-fashioned "brown furniture" tends to fall as their possessions flood on to the market, driving down prices. White Christmas, brown January?

OVER the past 50 years, feminism has changed the way we talk about professions. In these enlightened, gender-neutral times, terms such as air stewardess, policewoman and barmaid are rarely heard . And yet despite much lobbying by some luvvies, one genderless term has never really caught on. As TV and radio reported the deaths of Liz Smith, Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher, all were described as actresses, not actors.

IT hardly needs adding that the Guardian toed the politically-correct line, referring to Smith, Reynolds and Fisher as actors. But the Guardian website still displays anold interview with Liz Smith in which she is described as an actress.

BACK in September, shocked at the number of prosecutions brought for causing death by careless driving – which might involve only a moment's inattention – I wrote: "The system is in danger of treating serious crimes as accidents and accidents as serious crimes." Expect more of the same in 2017. Figures from Scotland show that only one of 11 motorists received a jail sentence for causing death by careless driving. The influential road-safety charity Brake has duly called for more drivers to be put behind bars. A Brake spokesman says: "Some of the strongest feedback we have received . . . is that there is nothing careless about taking someone else's life." But sometimes there is such a thing as a pure accident. And sometimes a collision which would leave a young, fit victim with cuts and bruises proves fatal to an older, frailer person. Drivers – or any other defendants – should be judged on their deeds and not solely on the outcome. If courts refuse to jail drivers it's probably because judges know their job is to dispense justice, not vengeance.

MY apologies. Having raged against the use of terms such as Winterval and Giftmas to describe the festive period, I can only apologise for the word "Partytide" creeping into yesterday's column.