Peter Rhodes: A white elephant pulling a gravy train

THE days grow longer and warmer. I am reminded every spring of our little girl, then three, who vanished into the garden for a while and went suspiciously quiet. Turned out she had been picking flowers and laying them, thoughtfully and reverently, at the foot of a small cherry tree. Whatever religion you later force on your kids, I suspect they all start off as druids.

THE latest plan to cut the Royal Marines has resurrected the embarrassing titbit that Jimmy Savile was buried wearing the Royal Marines green beret which he was entitled to wear, having passed the Marines' gruelling selection course. Since the sex abuser and paedophile was exposed, the Marines have naturally cut all links to him. But memories cannot be erased. A recent reference to Savile's green beret in a London newspaper prompted a veteran to recall an incident when Savile was guest of honour at a function at the Royal Marines' Commando school and was introduced to the corporals' wives. The former marine recalled: “As he bent to give them a kiss, he actually licked them instead. The wives all thought he was an absolute horror.” The mystery is that Savile, in a roomful of angry Marines, even survived the spouse-licking incident. Disgusting man.

THERE is a moral for us all in the tale of the lady with Britain's biggest ever parking fine. Carly Mackie parked almost daily outside her family's home in Dundee and ignored the 200 penalty tickets slapped on her windscreen. The local judge ruled that Ms Mackie had “entirely misdirected herself on both the law and the contractual chain.” It seems she had simply got it into her head that she could park where she liked as her father's guest and that the tickets, issued by a private firm, were not enforceable in Scottish law. It was a terrible delusion, but she is hardly alone. Time after time you meet people who claim to know, on the highest authority, that the law says this or that. When questioned, “the highest authority” often turns out to be a bloke they met in a pub. The law is like any other contract and the same golden rule applies: if it looks too good to be true, it is.

ONE for you lawyers. In these litigious times, can anyone define the legal status of Doctor Who's “companions”? The latest recruit is Bill (Pearl Mackie) and the precise contract of employment seems as vague as ever. As far as we can tell, the Doctor has been enticing or abducting young people to join him in space and time for the past 60 years (or 60 billion years, if you prefer). They go where the Doctor decides and obey the Doctor's orders. The health-and-safety arrangements are rubbish and these young people are never seen receiving any wages. At best they are unpaid interns. At worst, is there not a whiff of modern slavery about it?

HS2 has reportedly appointed no fewer than 17 public-relations companies to promote the unwanted and unaffordable high-speed line. This has created an impressive collection of mixed metaphors. HS2 has become not only a white elephant and a gravy train but also a poisoned chalice. How long before the grapes of wrath come home to roost?