Peter Rhodes: Labour – Putting Foreigners First

THE online version of this column on Monday showed a car towing a caravan with the headline “What about the other mental conditions?” This was an unfortunate juxtaposition. I was not implying that caravanning is a psychological problem, or that there's anything bizarre about dragging your dirty crockery, unwashed clothes and half-full chemical toilets around the country while creating long traffic jams. Perfectly rational behaviour.

WHILE it may be magnanimous to guarantee EU workers the right to remain in the UK for all time, how does Labour's Brexit policy serve the interests of the Great British Public? “Labour – Putting Foreigners First” is a bold campaign slogan but who's going to vote for it?

JEREMY Corbyn needs the support of the Communist Party rather less than a hole in the head. But at least this time we know it's genuine. I am reminded of a wily old political opportunist who, during a rowdy election meeting in London's East End, shouted from the audience, publicly pledging the comradely support of Bethnal Green Communist Party to the local Labour candidate. Next day's headlines were predictable and deeply damaging: “Reds Back Labour.” It hardly needs adding that the wily old political opportunist was not from the Communist Party at all. He was a Tory candidate.

JIMMY Wales, co-founder of Wikipedia, is planning a news service called Wikitribune to fight fake news. Wales says it will deliver “high-quality, fact-based information.” Well, good luck with that. It's just that after nearly 50 years in this game, I have never actually encountered neutral news, nor met a single unbiased journalist. Every reporter, columnist, commentator and pundit believes he or she occupies the exact epicentre of the very centre ground of rational thought. And every reader or viewer is equally convinced that the most accurate, insightful and unbiased reports are the ones that exactly reflect their own views. One man's “high quality, fact-based information” is another man's fascist / commie propaganda. Indeed, the only truly rational, considered and unerringly accurate column is this one.

MIND you, no matter how much one strives for accuracy, there are always heffalump traps. In this election campaign it's the Farron / Fallon thing. Tim Farron is the Lib-Dem leader. Sir Michael Fallon is the defence secretary. Tim is an evangelical Christian who talks to God. Michael is a career Tory who talks to a vicar's daughter. Confusion, confusion.

SCIENTISTS at Cambridge believe a moth larva known as a wax worm may be able to rid the world of unwanted shopping bags thanks to its unique ability to digest plastic. I'm reminded of the 1970s BBC drama Doomwatch which began with an airliner crashing after all the plastic on board suddenly melted. It emerged that a plastic-eating virus had escaped from a rogue laboratory. Younger readers may rejoice at today's promise of plastic-eating moths. Older readers will recall the horror on the pilot's face in Doomwatch as his control stick turned to goo in his hands...

MEANWHILE, ordinary moths are having a wonderful time thanks to the withdrawal, on safety grounds, of old-fashioned mothballs. My pure Merino sweater has emerged from the drawer looking like a string vest. A very expensive string vest.