Bring Horatio down?

IT can't be easy guessing how much a unique item is likely to fetch at auction. In 2009 the only surviving Union Jack from the Battle of Trafalgar came on the market. The auctioneer's estimated price was £10,000. I thought at the time that this massive ensign, peppered with grapeshot and still allegedly smelling of gunpowder, would fetch much more than that. It was duly auctioned for £384,000.

I WAS reminded of that sale a few days ago when it was announced that the receipt and documents for the Liverpool grave of Eleanor Rigby - claimed to be the inspiration for the Beatles' song - are to be auctioned on September 11. The auctioneer's guide price is up to £4,000. I wouldn't mind betting it goes for ten times as much.

A BLACK writer, Afua Hirsch, hits the headlines by suggesting it is time to remove Nelson's column on the grounds that Horatio Nelson, perhaps the ultimate British hero, was a white supremacist. Why raise such a contentious issue now? Only a cynic would point out that Hirsch has a new book out. There's no such thing as bad publicity.

INTERESTINGLY, at a time when so many statues are being torn down, a new one may soon be going up. A 12-foot statue of Emmeline Pankhurst, the suffragette, is being considered by the Cabinet Office and may be erected outside Parliament. May I suggest it is erected on a Rhodes Easy-Topple Plinth (patent pending)? This brilliant invention of mine allows statues to be erected and then pushed over depending on the political climate of the day. Pankhurst is the perfect example. She started life as a campaigner for equality and a great admirer of the Labour Party (oh, raise her statue high!) but ended up as a Conservative MP (rip her down!). Obviously Nelson's Column would require a much bigger Easy-Topple Plinth but it might be wise to start work soon, or at least before Afua Hirsch writes another book.

FEW organs are as unreliable as your palate, or as fiercely defended. People may claim to adore this or that food or beverage but the truth is that, when blindfolded, most of us can't tell the difference between whisky and brandy or brown ale and pale ale. A Daily Telegraph feature in praise of cheap coffee has attracted hundreds of comments. Some retched ostentatiously about "dried muck" and "instant sludge"while one demanded grandly: "Has anyone tried a coffee from the Hotel Gaudi in Barcelona?" Oh, please.

I WOULD not mind betting that if you asked the average coffee snob to pick his favourite brew from a line-up of double-strength instant coffees, he wouldn't have a clue.

ONE creepy contribution to the coffee debate was: "I like my coffee like I like my women; small, dark, strong with a nice aroma, sweet, hot and with just a hint of bitterness! " Is anyone else reminded of Charlie Higson's comic creation Swiss Toni fromThe Fast Show? You see, percolating coffee is very much like making love to a beautiful woman . . .