Peter Rhodes on a curious sign, D-Day for Brexit and a gift for the late Bob Monkhouse

LITTLE enigmas of our time. A house down the road has a board in the garden announcing: "Pond for sale." I'm tempted to knock on the door and ask whether the deal includes the hole. And the water?

SOMETIMES we really miss the old-fashioned stand-up comedians. A medical magazine reports that, owing to a prescribing error, a woman in Glasgow was given erectile dysfunction cream instead of eye ointment. I've seen one or two predictable gags on the incident ("a hard stare," etc) but I bet the late, great Bob Monkhouse would have had a field day with it.

I AM reminded of my late mother-in-law who suffered from no speech impediment but throughout her life was quite unable to pronounce "Golden Eye Ointment."

AND so it arrives. Tomorrow, Theresa May will present her Brexit deal to the Commons and the Commons, if MPs go true to form, will chuck it out. On my desk in front of me as I write this is the Government's EU Referendum leaflet from 2016 with its now infamous promise: "This is your decision. The Government will implement what you decide."

WELL, we decided to quit. But we reckoned without two issues. The first is that any government's promises are only as good as its majority. And when Theresa May called her snap General Election, throwing away her majority and effectively handing the future of Brexit to a bunch of Ulster politicians with their own agendas, all promises were pie crusts.

THE second issue was those hundreds of MPs who, no matter how the people voted nor what the party election manifestos solemnly promised, have absolutely no intention of voting to leave the EU. Today, they are clamouring for a "People's Vote." And supposing that, too, went against them? Why should we endure all the divisive nausea of holding a second referendum on the off-chance that MPs, who cheerfully overruled the result of the first referendum, would honour the second? Do you believe them? Me neither.

THE other phrase from the 2016 leaflet which seemed honest back then and reeks of cynicism now is: "This is your chance to decide your own future and the future of the United Kingdom. It is important that you vote." Important? Was it? Really?

BUT imagine if the Euro-fanatics' dream came true - Brexit collapses and Britain crawls meekly back into the EU. The EU flag-wavers and silly-hat wearers in Whitehall would be unbearable - but only until the next European Parliament election. Then, how many of the MEPs sent to Brussels by a resentful UK would be Ukip, or worse? All of them, perhaps? Barnier, Juncker and the rest are not fools. By now, they must see there is one prospect worse than Britain leaving the EU - and that is Britain staying in the EU.