Peter Rhodes on men in women's wards, a non-existent gizmo and smartphones at the pub quiz

THE latest addition to our extended family, disgraced himself by weeing on the floor in Homebase but everybody, including the staff, thought it was funny and charming. It's amazing what you can get away with if you're a labrador puppy.

IT is some years since I was in a male hospital ward but I remember it as being one of the worst places on earth, what with the moaning, snoring and endless discussions at 3am between sick old chaps droning on in noisy, wobbly baritone whispers about how Albion was robbed.

SO, next time, I'd be tempted to self-define myself as female and get admitted to a women's ward where the snoring is generally lighter, the company brighter and nobody bangs on about football. Apparently, it's as easy as that. Hospital trusts all over England, desperate not to oppress anyone, are allowing patients to self-define their gender with no proof of transgender counselling, let alone surgery. The result is that some "women" who are clearly men are being admitted to female wards. You don't need a crystal ball to see where this will lead. So before the first rape happens, how about NHS staff getting a grip, exercising proper responsibility and deciding who goes where using common sense? The NHS can diagnose cancer, obesity, drug abuse and a thousand other medical conditions. I'm pretty sure it can diagnose gender.

AND off to the DIY store where I bought a wifi gizmo that did not officially exist. "It's not on our stock," declared a puzzled shop lady, waving her digital magic wand over the gizmo on the shelf. I suggested that, because we could both see the gizmo, it probably did exist. We took it to the checkout where, because it didn't officially exist, the till did not recognise it. So the lady waved her magic wand again, which convinced the store's computer that the wifi gizmo not only existed but was in stock. And that in turn allowed the till computer to recognise the gizmo and complete the deal.

BACK home, sadly, the gizmo didn't work so I returned it the next day for a refund. "Hang on," said the lady at the till darkly. "Computer doesn't recognise this . . ." The experts will tell you that technology has transformed shopping. Damn right. It used to be much simpler.

AT our latest pub quiz, despite the pleadings of the question-master, one team of four cackling yobs insisted on using their smartphones. And here is a microcosm of Britain's great education debate. While most teachers teach, some progressives argue that instead of stuffing kids' heads with facts, teachers should show kids how to access information.

INTERESTINGLY, the smartphone geezers came last in the pub quiz. They may have had wireless connection to all the world's knowledge. They may have been taught how to access it. But none of this mattered because, having few facts stuffed into their heads, they were too thick to understand the questions.