Peter Rhodes on an unforgettable teacher, importing an American prejudice and a global cricketing conspiracy

CONSPIRACY-theory corner. Does anyone else suspect there is a massive global conspiracy this year to convince people that cricket is interesting?

I EMAILED the roofer, just to make sure he would arrive this week, as promised, and fix our two flat roofs. And like so many of us educated shortly after the dinosaurs died out, I had to stop myself writing "rooves." That, according to our teacher all those years ago, was the correct plural of roof. Today, most dictionaries describe "rooves" as "dated but not incorrect." Just like us.

THE teacher in question was a chain-smoking old gal who, between English, Maths, Nature Study and all the other subjects, managed to squeeze in Traditional Sea Shanties. She led us assembled mixed infants in hacking, bronchitic verses of Shenandoah and Turn the Glasses Over as her fag end smoked on the top of the piano and we sang along with the choruses, absorbing the lyrics for life: Oh, you New York girls, can't you dance the polka?

MOST knife murders in London involve inner-city kids. So where's the best place to put anti-knife messages in order to reach that target audience? The Home Office opted to print them on 300,000 cardboard boxes used by inner-city chicken restaurants. And that's when MPs David Lammy and Diane Abbott got involved, denouncing the plan as crude, offensive, stereotypical and racist.

WELL, it might be if we all lived in the Deep South of the United States where fried-chicken insults have been used by generations of bigoted whites to humiliate blacks. The origin of this insult is that fried chicken is eaten with the fingers, supposedly indicating a lack of manners or cleanliness. But there is no such fried-chicken libel in Britain where everybody eats everything with their fingers and fried chicken is adored by all. This may explain why Lammy and Abbott's claims have caused so much bewilderment. As one puzzled Daily Mirror reader puts it: "Am I missing something? What's racist about chicken? Or knife crime? They're both universal, aren't they?" Quite right. In order to make a point, Lammy and Abbott are referencing an American prejudice. The pair may actually be guilty, heaven forbid, of cultural appropriation.

AND anyway, where would Abbott and Lammy suggest putting these messages in order to reach young people at the centre of the knife crisis, and perhaps make them think twice about carrying blades? Horse & Hound, perhaps? The Oldie magazine? Gardener's World?

MEANWHILE, back in the real world, my apologies to the lady in Anglesey prosecuted for possessing an illegal collection of stuffed animals. Having mis-typed her age last week as 67 instead of 57, I went on to describe her as a pensioner and one of my readers compounded the error by calling her an "old lady." For the record, she is in the prime of life and probably too young ever to have heard of rooves.