Peter Rhodes on a new tsar, smelling a rat and the case for promoting Captain Tom

Golden rule of reporting on this virus: If something goes right, we praise the NHS. If something goes wrong we blame the Government.

I don't like to be thought of as a cynic but, if you ask me, the theory of beating the virus by tracing people on their smartphones and then alerting all their contacts if they develop symptoms is wishful thinking served with cosdwallop and a side portion of balderdash. I may be wrong.

But for this system to work, an estimated 80 per cent of smartphone users would have to download the app and sign up to the process. Now the statistics. Overall, about 79 per cent of UK adults possess a smartphone. In the 16-24 age group ownership is almost 100 per cent. But in the most vulnerable 65-plus age group, 60 per cent do not own a smartphone. I rarely believe in conspiracies but if any government created a system which effectively made smartphone ownership compulsory, I might smell a rat. And wouldn't you?

Mind you, sometimes computer systems can be alarmingly clever. Take those ones that analyse your shopping habits online and the pop up adverts totally guaranteed to match your interests. I've just had one appear promoting The FutureCow teat scrubber (“Wash, dry, disinfect and stimulate in one easy step”). Spot on, lads.

When we heard that the chief executive of the 2012 London Olympics had been appointed as “personal protective equipment (PPE) tsar” how many of us had a mental image of Hugh Bonneville? So that's all good.

As a rule, retired British Army officers do not use ranks below major in civilian life. Captain Tom Moore who has raised more than £25 million for the NHS, and also served in my family's old regiment, the Duke of Wellington's (West Riding), is an exception. It would be a grand gesture, no matter what other awards he receives, to promote him a rank or two. Colonel Moore has a certain ring.

Military trivia. The Duke of Wellington's Regiment was the only regiment in the British Army to be named after a non-royal commoner. Even in these democratic times, that didn't save “The Duke of Boots” from the defence cuts of 2005. Captain Tom Moore was no doubt dismayed that his 300-year-old regiment which once put many 1,000-strong battalions in the field became merely a sub-unit of the Yorkshire Regiment.

A cancer survivor welcomes my piece on the folly of using terms like battle, fight, win or lose when describing the Big C. He says: “I've always deplored the use of this sort of language. After eight months of successful treatment I had my last radio therapy session on Christmas Eve. I didn't fight or battle with the disease I just did as I was told, packed up alcohol,reduced the intake of coffee and turned up on time for the injections,scans and radio therapy.” Prostate zapped but pragmatism intact.